I am I'm going to have heart failure he's peed on my life.
Sometimes your consistent use of proper punctuation makes me nervous D:
I just saw the nastiest chick.
Where?
woke up next to her... fuck you jack daniels, fuck you
he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.
Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.
Sometimes he has weird facial hair...Basically he has a penis... that's what he's got going for him.
Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.
I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.
His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.
So I was about the only one NOT pregaming or stoned at my aunt's funeral... Maybe thats why I'm the black sheep.
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
Although I feel like awkward kinda describes your entire sexual history...
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
I gave myself a charlie horse masturbating this morning. I feel like that really set the tone for the day.
I hope every time you eat hashbrowns you think about me, the awesome sex we had and how great we could have been.
Randomize
