I just had human shit waiting for me at the top of the escalator at Bowery. This is truly the Lord's day.
May the Lord look upon you in favor and give you pees.
is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?
I swear if his heart was half the size of the cum stains he's left on my sheets we would have the perfect relationship
i think i had a heart attack, prayed, and jizzed my pants.all at once.
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
We had to go to his parents last night for dinner & ended up having a quickie in the bathroom while everyone else was outside smoking.. This is why we have a successful marriage.
I'm at work. It's margarita night. Someone literally just shouted "MURICUH!"
God bless us, everyone.
That was like a fiery explosion of flailing arms and wonderful passion
Do you deliver to the black dark pit where I am? I think it's called.... The toilet? Right next to hell...
It was weird, because he kept shaking his head like he was motorboating me...but on my vagina.
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
Uess honpr I rememebrt hEzS cuter
You'll have to translate that into sober in the morning.
i black out too much to be "responsible"
Randomize
