Just woke up. I have a "Detective Jacob Arnold's" business card in my pocket.
Just used the D.E.N.N.I.S system successfully.
Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?
God wants them to get laid too.
I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night
Then she yelled something like "YOU HAVE SO MANY FORKS!" before collapsing on the floor
I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.
She said our goal is to fuck in every bathroom at the reception which is at a country club. I will have the best wedding date ever! Were 4 for 4 in public.
I don't know. I was hiding and the bed was banging. I am going to sleep now in someone's car.
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
I think getting right with the Lord should involve more than me and a bottle of tequila.
I threw up in the bathtub last night like a decent human being.
"Are we not going to talk about how you got so drunk that you swallowed someone's pet gold fish, whole?"
You were supposed to catch herpes, not feelings!!!
Randomize
