you know what scares the shit out of me? i have eaten bagel bites since i was a little kid and just in the past five years they started puting "made with real cheese" WHAT THE FUCK WERE THEY USING BEFORE? i mean ive been a bagel biter since the womb
part of me always dies a little when i go to the "2 women seeking 1 man" section in craigslist's casual encounters to find nothing there. it's tragic
i just ate an entire onion plain. all alone. i have never felt more single in my life
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.
If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.
Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.
I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.
What?! Why else would they put table cloths on a table if not for discreet oral sex? That's why they were invented! Read a book...
Being single is awesome because I can still drink a bottle of wine and hate myself, but I don't have to shave my legs!
I have 2 voicemails from u last night. one of them is just 5 min of u saying "doodling"...
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Randomize
