i'd like someone to explain to me why my clothes are all sticky. including my fanny pack. yes, this is a mass text.
We need to talk in the morning. The guy I was with just interpreted me taking off my earrings as code for "let me take off my pants."
Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.
i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.
Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.
He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.
She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.
and being hungover still at 4 in the afternoon is NOT "having allergies"
ARE YOU SAYING THAT YOU DON'T WANT TO GO TO A PARTY AT AN ADULT STORE WHERE A BUNCH OF HOT GIRLS ARE DRINKING
Winning pick four numbers were just 6969... if I were 18 I could've won 20,000 dollars.
Son of a bitch took my liquid eyeliner
Dude so last night I was eating out my gf and her kitten climbed onto my back and fell asleep. AND SHE DIDN'T NOTICE FOR LIKE 10 MINUTES
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
Im pretty sure breakfast wine is a thing, and if it isn't, I just invented it
I just found out through a drunken phone call that my parents thought I'd grow up to be a porn star. It's kind of scary how accurate they were at how skilled I'd be at sex.
Randomize
