I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
u ever jackoff with ur legs spread and pretend ur fuckin urself as a girl and get mad u'll never know what that feels like. Or to fly like a bird?
Did u absorb a fraternal twin in the womb?
Ok forget what i said about christmas break being awful. Chasing shots with fudge
I'm telling people I'm celibate. It sounds cooler when it's by choice.
I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.
I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.
I've never seen an uncircumcised dick in real life and the internet indicates I don't want to.
We were on the ground in Tampa for 55 hours and we drank for 30 of them.
We won Spring Training 2013.
I have lots of feelings today, but drunk is my favorite.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This is the best thing we've done since that time we started a religion
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
Listen, I've got balls in my face can I call you back
Hey the moment you step into my house, find me IMMEDIATELY so we can pinky promise on not roping anyone at the party into yet another threesome
Randomize
