I am full of burrito and curiosity
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
i cant wait for all this BS that is happening with Tiger to happen to Tebow
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
Thank you, bloody toiletpaper I found in the hamper. I was worried that today was going to be boring.
no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever
Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.
How's Vegas?
Woke up with a sculpture of my own head. Been trying to find Ashley for two days. so pretty not too bad.
So, I feel bad. I just told my husband I had sex with someone else while on a business trip. Today is his birthday. I'm kind of a dick.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
She's writing hockey erotica again.
Tell her to pick another team besides ours this time.
Randomize
