still doesn't change the fact you were dunking your sock in the toilet.
He called me from prison intake to wish me luck on my job interview. Somehow that's the most romantic thing that's ever happened to me.
i am way too old to be getting fingered at work
I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
As sure as my left ball is bigger then my right. We will have our moment.
Idk I've been drinking all day and they're having me blow shit up. Like dont let the drunk chick play with fire and explosives. Common sense 101. I will fuck something up
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
I knew it was going to be a good night when my mom said "Have fun, be safe...wait, do you need any weed for tonight?"
I'm just like... Utterly amazed that we're still alive at this point. Who'da thunk it....
Your ex roommate is making out w the kid who pees on floors and it's kinda funny
I want you to know. From the bottom of my heart, that you are a great friend, a beautiful person, and one of my favorite people in this world. But if you ever send me that many messages again at 4am I swear to God, I will push you in from of a fast running rhino
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
well, shes hot as hell, but she does keep saying she's the president of the loch ness monster's fan club, so that's kinda a red flag...
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
Randomize
