Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.
I didn't cheat on him. Cheating means finding out. I made sure he was at work first. After the guy left I got shitfaced just so nothing seemed out of the ordinary when he came home.
Even the bartender felt bad for me
you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it
all i care about is the story behind my toaster ending up in the microwave
All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off
Nvm, he just almost drank his drink from last night, his drink that has the condom in it. Kinda answers my question.
I mean, with your nipple problem im surprised. #hangacoatonem
Pretty sure I was impersonating Rihanna when I kept asking him what my name was while we were making out
There was nowhere else for me to go. I'm like the island of misfit toys but I'm hot.
I couldn't read the menu. I ordered the first thing I was able to read. Don't think I ate anything. Left $20 on the table.
I wanna borrow his axe at this point and cut my head open just to relieve some pressure
I gave him the white girl "you spilled my psl look" and walked away
i woke up on the floor in front of the fireplace and my last google search was "fuck sponges"
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
