I'm sitting at the bar eating dinner next to a nerd, a guy in a 10 gallon hat, and a policeman. I feel like I joined The Village People
Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?
You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?
I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.
i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros
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She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"
You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.
I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.
We listened to Rod Stewart Pandora and slow danced in the shower.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
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Just be happy that you're the pretty friend. Otherwise you would have had to walk home alone, like me.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
He asked me if my princess crown was real and before I could say yes, he was already reaching to put it on. I'm pretending I'm asleep if he tries to have sex.
No kiss but I got free McDonald's so at least we can focus on what is really important here
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
FUCK YEAH PUPPY BOWL
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