You can call me Bill Clinton. I brought 2 good looking Asians home last night.
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
i just farted in a meeting....took me completely by surprise.
so you made the shocked face and they caught you.
yup.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life
Either I'm a lot drunker than I thought, or he has three dicks....
I think I'm gonna have to go with the first one...
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went
He lit a shoe on fire and tried putting it out by peeing on it
Honestly the prospect of dick really lifts a girl's spirits
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
Who did he bring home?
Idk. But did you see her shoe choice by the stairs, I'm really not expecting anything great.
Randomize
