Vegas is awesome. Its like you have a kentucky accent girls automatically assume you don't have herpes.
her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"
I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.
Driving around Panama at 7 am looking for an open liquor store..
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
Last night I texted her to confirm she could start designing costumes for my show this week.
That is one convoluted booty call.
I've had to much cheese to give a fuck about anything. im tired.
You don't want to cheat on your husband, you just want to fuck someone who isn't him.
I wish our county sheriff had a comment section for their mugshots.
I owe you an apology, I was appointed captain of this sexy fuckship and I fell asleep at the helm.
The Dick I got last night was so phenomenal that I had to take a fucking personal day today.
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
When I met you, I was just like "who the fuck is this drunk chick throwing up on my bed?" But I'm glad we're friends now
I'm not going out, it's sweat pants and gallon vodka night at my place and I'm the only one on the guest list.
This is because you lost at fooseball isn't it?
how do you tell someone, in the most complimentary way possible, that they would make an excellent stripper?
Randomize
