She told me she was a cowboys fan... I told her it was a waste of a perfect set of tits
so what if he's got a new girlfriend. the guy i'm fucking has an english accent. i win.
you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"
I wish there was a non slutty way to ask the guys across the hall if i can copy their men's bathroom key so I have one for my one night stands
I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.
I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.
Honey, I don't care how "classic you" this is. It's not gonna matter if we can't find you in the morning.
Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
DO YOU REALIZE HOW AWESOME MY GRANDMA WOULD BE IF SHE GOT HIGH
We just had can't-look-you-in-the-eye sex and it was still surprisingly good
Fuck it, i havent messed around in half a year. I have sexual tension with a fire hydrant.
How drunk you think somebody has to be, that they think that putting out a profile pic like that can be even a slightly good idea?
she prefaced telling me she was pregnant with "houston, we have a problem"
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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