I woke up naked in my living room and my mom was next to me like we need to talk
Things I've learned: after you move in with a girl it's much less satisfying to wipe your dick on her sheets after sex because now they're your sheets too
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.
Having sex with her is like doing taxes, Happens once a year and I usually end up paying.
Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?
Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.
When do you sleep by the way. I was surprised when I went to work at 1 am,left at 7 am and had a text from you somewhere in between
I just vodka nap now...
she dared me to make out with the amish dude so I went up to him and grabbed him by the beard
GRABBED HIM BY THE BEARD
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
On another note, I almost lost one side of my fake butt. Dancing the wobble with the fake butt isn't recommend.
I can still taste your cum in my mouth and my in-laws are coming over. This should go well.
I brought coffee but not enough for the naked guy on your porch
Guess who just stumbled into work hungover, wearing yesterday's clothes, covered in hickeys and glitter, and carrying a giant bottle of rum in her purse.
I just took plan B at work.
This is the greatest story of all time.
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