i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?
King Triton
my text book just quoted the cookie monster
i'm laying naked in your bed you should probably come home
move.
Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.
My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
I'd be careful with that one, she got 86'd from the family dollar while SOBER.
My car windows are covered in lube. Happy 4th of July!
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
And you know what the worst part is? Because of him I can now relate to a goddamn Taylor Swift song. FUCK. MY. LIFE.
I hate when pretentious people talk bad ab corn dogs
I'm going to start talking to Bill again, he has friends with boats which means we'll get to go on boats.
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