You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Just bought purple Ray Bans. If there was any small chance that I would ever have sex with women ever again, I just buried it.
At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.
I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred
Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.
sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I stared at him for a solid five minutes because he looked like what I imagine god would look like if god was a lumberjack
Well you busted in the house and yelled with pride about Uber giving you a ride over with your new bong.
Then he kissed my hand sensually and said "you're a Black Queen. Don't let anyone tell you different."
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
And then I was like pick your blow job song and he choose the sonic the hedgehog theme song. If he's not the one no one is.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
