Im too awkward for one night stands. I need to hire someone to come clear them out of my bed before I wake up.
You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"
Facebook is used to stalk your friends, Twitter is used to stalk celebritie=s, and Myspace is used to stalk underaged girls. Everything else is porn. T=he Internet in a nutshell.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45
Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.
Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.
I come back upstairs and there he was sitting in a speedo. He handed me a blanket and said "let's cuddle" how is this real life?
BING! You are now free to move about my panties. He just left for work.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
He said he'd prefer a photo rather than discuss politics, I sent him a snapchat "conservative shorts 4 conservative man". He said "be liberal"
bought a large fruitopia from McDonalds at 7:45 this morning. Spilled it on the ground. Cried. THAT hungover.
But you put your finger in my ass and the rest is history
Only thing I have going for me is jacking off, weed, and saturdays
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