If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system
This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.
Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Okay: Whipped cream, vodka, and a trampoline. This will either be really great, or really tragic.
Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.
I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
Yeah I don't even know dude. This shit has reached new levels of ridiculous. Let's hope baby Jesus gallops down a rainbow on a sparkling unicorn and wills that bitch clean. I think that's the best chance we've got.
he shit on the floor last night i'm not venturing down there
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
I mean I faked it but he could answer my texts
Her blowjob technique? Picture someone attempting to drink a triple thick milkshake through a Capri Sun straw.
Randomize
