you started whispering 'the itsy bitsy spider' while you were putting your hands up my shorts.
My mom is making me buy a single zucchini, I look like someone who can't afford a dildo
We lost the cork forthe wine, so we used a tampon as a replacement. I never loves tampons so much
how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.
I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.
if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.
you told the police officer you wanted to be just like her one day but not a lesbian
But no. So do not give him one damn penny. Unless they are in a sock and you are hitting him with it.
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
So far 2 of my professors caught me looking at their dicks
I just walked in on Joel doing a buck naked tripod headstand in front of the mirror so he could see the bug bite on his balls
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
