I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.
Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Um yeah. I just puked. And found your contact.
I'll be there in 10. I need you naked and ready. Warm up.
Its summer. Time to get to the freshmen before the weight does.
I just read "to infinity and beyond" as "to infidelity and beyond" something is seriously wrong with my psyche
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
I think I pulled a muscle in my tongue.
sorry? thank you? I love you?
I showed up to a job interview wearing two different shoes. If that's not an omen, I don't know what is.
I literally just ordered a gold medal online that is engraved with his name, "01.01.16", and "BEST SEX EVER"
I need a hoe opinion
go on
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