all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
We were so tired we rock paper scissored for who would be on top. I won.
You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"
I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.
I think theres a high possibility i could be flammable.
Your boobs are like a big quesadilla marker
So looks like I applied to adopt a dog last night. I'm completely ok with this
i know you're upset so i should probs be supportive but i've got nothing in that department. your life suuuuucks
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
Well as if this year didn't suck enough already, I can now count 2015 as the year I got chlamydia
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
Get over your kidney infection all ready. You have been sober for too long.
i just used your hair clip to unclog my bong. i miss you so much!
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
