I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.
Definitely saw about 20 people at my final that were never present before. It's like seeing who's gonna be serving me fries in 4 years.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it
Im going to need an iv of taco bell after this.
Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.
MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.
HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.
i cant answer while inside this church craft show. so unless you're outside with my engagement ring and a nonfat gingerbread latte, it'll have to wait.
nothing like a call from your drunk grandpa at midnight on a wednesday to ask your parents if you're registered to vote...
For a pair of gay men you destroy a lot of vagina.
I'm not sure. But he has a pet sugar glider. So, points either way
As long as that's not his name for his dick.
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
I just found weed in my bra #magicboobs2k16
She said my mask was creepy, took it off with her teeth, and proceeded to bite my neck. I love vampires.
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
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