Stop being a whore!!! Everyone can see!!!!
Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...
You were definitely doing something right. You could only see the colored parts of his eyes a couple of times. I was pretty sure he was dead at some point.
Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.
Yea dude. I'm gonna be the life of the party. THIS BITCH GETS DRUNK BY HERSELF
I'm not saying I'm drunk, but I'm definitely saying my liver has its work cut out for it.
So who was trying to make it rain last night in the bathroom? There are pieces of dollar bill everywhere
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
I showed him my toy collection and he goes, "You won't need those anymore," and dropped his pants. I threw the House of Pleasure out last night.
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
My friend Julia's mom just called her to say she got a puzzle in the mail made of cheese and when she put it together it spelled FUCK YOU and she doesn't know who it's from.
woke up with 4 bruises, 2 hickies and a bad case of rug burn. texans are dangerous.
Randomize
