You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
fyi, if youre wondering if offering a female police officer sexual favors will get you out of a ticket, the answer is no.
Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for
We were making out when she went into convulsions. At least now I know she's allergic to peanuts.
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
My makeup looks extraordinary for nine tequila shots, running four blocks, falling asleep with my face in the toilet, and doing the walk of shame across campus in the rain. And to think I'm single.
Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.
And we're breaking up
I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.
Also, sorry about chilling in just the towel last night. You know I have ADD and somehow even after looking at you, I forgot I'm not the only person living there right now
NO I WILL NOT SET YOU UP WITH MY TWIN WHAT THE HELL IS WRONG WITH YOU?!? JUST BECAUSE I WONT BLOW YOU DOESNT MEAN YOU CAN STALK HER AS A BACKUP PLAN YOU SPANISH BASTARD
The moment you tore my shirt off I knew I wanted to spend the rest of my life with you
It's so Britney 2007, you know?
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
Today has been hell. Also I saw a dead man's penis. It's safe to say I will be getting very drunk tonight.
Randomize
