my dad just told me that a lesbian kissed my mom at a bar last year
STOP SENDING ME DANCING JESUS FORWARDS.
So let me get this straight. You would sleep with an uncircumcised guy whose name you didn't know, but you won't try the new shrimp taco from taco bell?
His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.
Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.
I thought stuff was gonna go really bad after he filled the super-soaker with kerosene. but it all turned out pretty well.
Im rolling a blunt of encouragement for you to return to
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
There where 3 half naked girls passed out on the pool table, I crawled under it and just as I was about to go to sleep some guy walks up and says: "dude nice spot" walks away and comes back with a pillow.
arnt you supposed to become a mature adult when you move out of your parents house?
Moving out doesnt mean I'm mature, it means I can make pancakes and bacon at 3 in the morning and no one can judge me.
We had sex on the bear rug. He said "you, me and the bear. This is bear-idise"
The guy I blew who bought us all the shots last night? I really think he's the TV guy I'm watching give the local weather. Like right now.
Grandma is high again and locked herself in the house
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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