Ikea night.
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Insert tab A into swedish slot B
I knew you were drunk when you poured scotch on a croissant and ate it.
I'm so used to throwing up its no longer a game of hanging over the toilet. Now it's just 'stand up, aim for the toilet, do my thing' then walk out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.
I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.
I'm pretty sure I got a cavity today due to how many times I've puked hungover at work.
Like "oh its Monday, gotta get wasted today!" not "oh its Monday.. Gotta go to class"
He was wearing a tux and a big sombrero so it automatically made the flute he was playing totally cool
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
Is it just me or is it like a girl gets married and all of a sudden she’s a “blogger”?
This bitch goes out driving during the nor'easter to get her ass eaten.. that’s dedication
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