So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.
just cuze she's 16 doesn't mean it's illegal to add her on facebook
I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
4pm update. Theres smashed cake inside my duffel bag, a vodka bottle in the dish drainer, and the most productive thing ive done is make 40 pigs in a blanket
I guess I really am the only person in this world who can successfully have a no-strings-attached threesome on the beach.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
You threw up in a empty pizza box at Pizza Hut and opened the door with your face. So that maybe why it's bruised.
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Let's play "Guess What I Just Found In My Vagina?"
We had sex and he ended up in the hospital... don't know if I should be worried or proud.
I don't know what she did to me last night, but the scratches on my back indicate that I had sex with a Bengal tiger last night.
Plan b and 5 hour enegery breakfast of a champion
Randomize
