My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.
i'm sure there's a big cosmic reason for things working out the way they did. like, now you have awesome images to masturbate to.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
Do you think I should make him wait for my responses or do you think sophomore have no concept of time like dogs?
You were pretty dunk by the time you introduced the vase as your best friend.
he drunk texted me to give me his number with the message "i gotchu pretty eyeso" i can't tell if he's complimenting me or himself.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
There's that certain point at night when you start saying things like s'mores should be used in foreign relations. I reached it.
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
Did he think I was flirting with him when I ordered a hot dog bc no
You got stoned and bought $300 worth of pudding. Again! Why do YOU think she left you?
Aw. You're having cute FaceTime with your fiance, I'm trying to convince myself not to booty call a 42 year old. #adulting
he's like the highest ranking tongue wizard i know.
Randomize
