Dan just whipped out his wang to piss in a milk jug! Hello weekend.
Excuse me? I'm weird? You're the one sticking your penis into a pringles can.
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.
Nobody is perfect
I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other
I don't think my body can handle the alcohol I want to put in it anymore.
I wish they made people sized litter boxes.
People were running around punching out the ceiling tiles Super Mario style.
Just saw a government minister puke and rally.
I'm ordering sushi and crying over finals. Come over and bring wine.
You are a super loving wife. But did you, at any point since Thanksgiving, slip me half your bottle of stool softeners?
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
The fact that a spice girls song is stuck in my head is a great sign that my decisions aren't the right ones at the moment...
Randomize
