no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex
Oscar is the man. He keeps getting pictures of hot nude women with messages in spanish saying "i hope you like it" sent to his phone
the baller who i guess decided to give out a fake number at the bar last weekend. luckily that fake number was mine. i have enough porn to last me until next month.
New York to be Host to America’s Biggest Singles Event
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.
was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?
she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.
sorry can't. you know Saturday is the masturbating day for single sorority girls here.
Kylie Jenner Wasn’t in the Kardashian X-Mas Cards & the Internet is Losing it
i just feel like the statute of limitations for admitting i plowed through her car last night was up a couple hours ago
You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.
He offered to take my unemployed self out for drinks, but I really just want him to buy me the Beyoncé album
all i've had to eat today is leftover bday cake and a shot of tequila.
welcome to college.
I don't remember anything but bad decisions last night
It was the needle in the haystack of teary, unpleasant handjobs.