I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....
Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.
Are my feet made of real feet?
We just shotgunned beers for America
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.
You were in subway at 3am showing everyone your tan lines
I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.
Halfway through lecture, some kid in the front row threw up IN his hands. Professor held the door for him to carry it out.
Due to your tardiness, I'm saving you my tab
I sent "Rawrrrr" to 151 matches on Tinder. I feel like thats a substantial size of the DC female population.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
I danced my ass off after the funeral last night. Kept dropping it low and I can feel it in my legs today. Im like shit I needa go work out
What a way to honor the dead
Not sure what you smoked, but you put raw bacon on the lazy Susan and spent 45 minutes looking at it and mumbling Meat Spin
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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