This bar receipt from last night makes no sense
You were wasted and got mad that it was too high so you subtracted 50 bucks in the tip line from the total
I wish that would've worked
Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
This girl just swallowed a pealed banana whole. I'm not worthy.
You put your name in his phone but not your number then screamed "Open the door!" and jumped out of the car
Yepp, I had to be the one to explain that the girl who was slapping people in the face with a dildo was my drunk girlfriend.
The fire department told the police that I was inside the burning building trying to pee in the rest of the electrical Outlets. Booyaka.
all my money is vodka money
I have never read a truer sentence.
Do you know how hard it is to have sex on an air matress while there are people sleeping in the same room?!?!?
Nothing personal but yes I would be suspicious If I saw 3 guys and 2 girls in the same bathroom stall together
Why did I wake up with a skeleton in my bed? Is it from the lab?
Oh crap, that's where it ended up. Yeah, don't ask.
We're playing drunken roulette. We're taking exlax followed by shots. First person to shit themselves loses!
Randomize
