Defrosting my mini wheats in the microwave was a bad choice
Whoa. I woke up to 10 new text messages. All about bacon.
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
I dropped my keys into the toaster and felt it push down as I pulled them out. Couldn't stop thinking it was a bad idea the whole time.
I still don't know how you've lived this long.
This is a mass text. First one to reply gets head.
Before anyone claims this, this chick is in my boyfriend's phone as "Worst BJ EVER!"
Does that mean you're calling dibs or can I?
We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.
NO MAKING MOLDS OF ANYONES GENITALS
Fine. Suck all the fun out of life.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
Im legit just salty with everyone who has a penis right now
sorry for the late response. was in jail for 6 months.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
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