Don't worry. I just took 2 benadryls and beat off. I'm practically sleep texting
i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
My mom woke me up in a bubble bath this morning.
Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
You told her that she shouldn't be allowed to wear clothes then when her roommate asked if you like her you said "no I just want to insert things into her"
I stand by it.
dude his girlfriend left the meanest shit just marinating in our toilet. I'm gonna have to snap chat this out, theres no other option. prepare yourself
Nothing more ironic than raw dogging some random Asian hottie last night and then doing the walk of shame home from her place mixed in with the participants of the AIDS walk
I found her outside drinking steak sauce out of the bottle.
I'm really going to need you to stop yelling Campari.
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
You tried to fight someone about spaghetti o’s?
That hungover.
Want to go to Victoria’s Secret? His fiancée is out of town and I’m going to try and stop the wedding with lingerie and lots adventurous sex
Absolutely! I love a good sexual filibuster!
Randomize
