this kid at 40 friday greeted another kid by saying "heeey farmville neighbor"
dude.
yep. needless to say i didn't meet anyone and spent yet another friday night masturbating.
i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.
he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.
I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"
My number one goal in life is to find out who can fill a keg with Popov
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.
Everybody shut up a minute, we need to discuss how much nicer the world would be if pants weren't a thing.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I feel like I spent all day wearing underpants made entirely of poison ivy and sandpaper
Someone broke into my car last night. Didn't take anything, even left the beer in my backseat. They need to get their priorities straight, obviously.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
Randomize
