sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
The guys had to come into the bar bathroom and pep talk us all off the floor
it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Then you jumped in the pool because your were convinced the scratches on your neck from the cat were gills and you could breathe underwater.
Someone broke into my car and stole it then left me $300 to pay for the damages with a lovely note that said "we just couldn't pass up the boxed wine... Sorry about the window."
Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch
i took four shots of tequila, threw my fist up in the air, then went around the party showing everyone how to do the ninja turtle handshake. that's the last thing I remember
he has to serve us drink and appetizers in his french maid costume for the Pirates game tonight. Bring everyone.
Let me rub your butt and eat French fries from your mouth and dip them in your ketchup filled belly button.
jusy threw up in the airport bathroom. I am no longer thankful for fireball.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Randomize
