I have a client coming in and there's a note that says she wants her hair to like Elisabeth Hasselback's from the view
that's Oklahoma for you
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon
nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob
For some reason I just don't think you going to the gay bar alone on thanksgiving is a good idea.
and she is using the paper towels as a pillow... but you know what? i've done that too.. so u can really tell we are sisters.
They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.
That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.
I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.
When you get this divorce finalized we're going to mid evil times AND pirate dining adventure. We're gonna find you a couple of real men and make them joust/swashbuckle for your affection. My treat.
I'm at 45 minutes post orgasm, and I still feel my insides spasming. Pretty sure I just fucked Superman.
I wonder if Paul and Andy realize how lucky that they are that we're too lazy to start fucking other dudes so we just stick with them
I just threw up on the way to class. Legit, on the sidewalk by psych building.
THAT WAS YOU? Psych prof just pointed out the window and said "that kids, is why you don't pregame before class"
He sent me a dick pic from a port-o-potty in Boston. If that's not love Idk what is.
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
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