If I don't wake up snuggled up to 14 ice cream sandwiches, my life is incomplete.
I left a cheeto on everyone's car trailing to the house i'm at, hanzel and gretel style.
Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?
Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.
searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
From what I hear, her blowjob factory was runninng at full capacity this weekend.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Those mornings you wake up with a Barbie tramp stamp are the mornings that are the that are going to make me miss this place
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Thanks to that wedding, I got to use the term "finger bang" more than I have since high school.
I just drove my booty call to his booty call, if that isn't spreading the love, I don't know what is.
you don't go into accounting for the pussy....
She used a candle as a shot glass.. A FUCKING CANDLE BRO!!
Plan before tomorrows interview: wash off green glitter from EVERYWHERE!!!
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