Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"
Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!
Puked in a plastic neiman Marcus bag while driving. My biggest accomplishment yet
Thanks for getting me home last night.
No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.
we're doing beer bongs from the windmill...epic
Tis the season to puke in grandma's bathroom
You told my mom you were going to "Raw Dawg some randoms." That Drunk.
She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater
He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List
Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)
I took a cab from the club to the grocery store. I needed peanut butter.
He just texted me saying "you've got a face that suggests you give really good head". Is this a compliment? Do I say thanks?
When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
He made me choke him and call him Papi..so all in all a good night.
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
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