worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.
It has to be really easy to get midgets drunk.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
I'm unshowered, and since I've seen this episode of say yes to the dress, I've decided to go to the store and get a frozen pizza at 10:20 am. I'm crushing life.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
He's holding a pee stick. Yes it's weird.
I though he and I knew each other well enough that we could go to my hotel room to do a bunch of cocaine together without their being any homoerotic implications, but NOOOOOOOOO!
It's Reggie from Taco Bell, send me a pic.
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
I'm here. Help me get the salsa and bong inside.
I'm worried my dog collar isn't going to come in time. I might be trying on dog collars at PetSmart next week. That could get awkward.
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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