i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.
She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."
I found my underwear on the sidewalk 8 blocks from her house while on my walk of shame. I also found our beer bag and a full beer in the bush.
If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes
I slept with someone shorter than me. My vagina weeps.
You fool.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
I was galloping around pretending to give birth to pbrs. I could have used a mask.
I sat on the bathroom floor yelling "hell hath no fury!" for about 20 minutes.
It's definitely revenge time.
I went on a psycho cleaning spree so I feel I've earned the right to spend the day in bed watching porn and eating sausage biscuits. If you bring alcohol you can join me.
All other girlfriends are inferior. You are the chosen one.
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
i opened the door and you were passed out on my doorstep wearing ugly shorts and cuddling a pinnapple, i dont know what happened to you.
You know tonight's gonna be a good night when your already planning on sleeping in a trunk
11:30 and people are pissing in the sink. It's gonna be a good night.
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