This is awkward. You have a four minute voicemail from me. I would delete it. I accidently hit your number on speed dial and called you while I was vomiting a mai tai.
I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
the gays at disneyland are vicious
I know it's not technically the "Mile High Club" but we def need a name for the airport bathroom. Cuz that just happened.
He's getting off drug court. We're doing a super-blunt with 50 dollars worth stuffed inside. He almost cried tears of joy when we told him.
His exact words were "Can I meet your vagina?" I kept wondering if he was going to try to shake hands with it...
Then again, he has huge mansions.
*manboobs.
I was supremely disappointed in the lack of dick and doughnuts in my life last week.
I was christened with Fireball shots by some guy at the bar. I'm practically Jesus now.
I told him I thought I was pregnant and he told me he accidentally killed my bird.
Circle of life.
Randomize
