i live my life in a constant state of hangover.
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks
you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.
Bathtub drinking tim. I have no pool so I work with what I have
i've never been that scared in my life. i ran naked into the corner and he just stood there trying to shield his boner from the light.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
This doesn't mean I'm going to attempt to find happiness with smooshy dick
Yeah no problem. What are blow job angels for anyways
Checking my Tinder matches as I sit here in the waiting room at Planned Parenthood. I can't be stopped.
He radiates elegant sexual dominance. I bet even his balls have pinstripes.
The cashier looked at my basket, looked at me and said "That's a lot of wine." I looked at her and said "Mother in law." She nodded approvingly.
we went outside for a smoke and when we came back in you were ptfo on the floor holding the phone to your ear. Pizza pizza was on the line.
You left your pants here again. 4th time in a row. How can you walk home without pants?
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