Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
I'm dipping store brand pepperoni pizza in bacon flavored ranch dressing. Obesity tastes so good.
Just used the handle end of a spatula to get the baggie of coke wedged between my passenger seat. Innovation points?
I just spent 12 consecutive hours in the same outfit and none of it was pajamas. If that's not personal growth, I don't know what is.
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
Hope you are okay. You were running down the street with shopping cart at one point and yelling "bitches aint shit!"
I may not have my dignity, pride or sanity but I have my pants.
No one knows how to work that "I pulled a muscle in my leg" drunk swagger like you can
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Worst sex ever! He was a talker for sure! I was on top and out of no where he said "Oh you bad bitch?" I stopped and left.
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
Randomize