He locked about 20 beers in a suitcase and put it in the fridge. For a complete idiot, he's a goddamn genius.
I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.
In the future let's not drunk dive in the fountain in front of the hotel bar.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
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She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.
You insisted on calling your mixture of Bacardi & powdered milk "a Jamacian Facial."
I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
did you see me getting spanked by that lady cop who was a guy?
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So his shoes are still here. And there are three contacts in a case. And a shirt on the bed. I've checked my dorm and he's not here. I'm so confused.
I cannot take an uber back in my costume...can you please come get me?
This is like the fourth time this month I've woken up hungover in someone's backyard
Hopefully he gets to dig deep into my body, before he digs deep into my past ..
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I remember waking up on the bathroom floor and seeing my teeth behind the toilet
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