That's the secret to virgins: blizzards.
Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.
I hope my tampon is in his bed. That'll teach him. Happy new years btw
I told you I'm not going to the Phillies game until we're tripping balls
OMG OMG OMG DID YOU KNOW THERE ARE MINI CHOCOLATE COWBOY HATS THAT MEN CAN BUY FOR THEIR PENISES?
Might be time to reevaluate my life. Banned from red roofs inns. Apparently I puked in ice machine. 3 hotels in a year.
1) I'm a decent drunk texter. 2) My world is spinning. 3) I'll give you a dollar and a hug for a glass of water. 4) I love you. 5) Example: your penatrive ways are overwhelming my alternative lyfestyle. 6) That is all.
7) Noodle arms: engage
The example was me just using big words while hammered. You're welcome. Ambidextrious. I spelled it right.
For graduation he gave me roses, a giraffe necklace, and a butt plug. I think this might be my one shot at true love
Haha never eat brownies from a guy with batman pajamas
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
Why would you call when you knew I'd be having sex!?
Why would you answer?
I just checked and if you bring a picture of your ex they will shred it and give you a free 'hater shot'. Would it be too much to print off one of their wedding pictures and bring it?
I really love that you're not going the 'why am I not married and having a kid yet?' route, but rather 'thank god I dodged that bullet'
Watching a guy pay his tab with a check. Jesus dude...
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