do u usually make out with people before telling them your name???
I'll let you put expensive food in me, but really, not much else.
I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating
my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.
He told me he was ok to drive home. Then I found him face-planted in the parking lot.
i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.
We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno
I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
She told me she was the Publishers Clearing House of Dicks. Two dicks a day, everyday for life.
Just saw my ex AGAIN. The constellation of gays must be at some sort of weird point with Mercury.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
If it were up to me his wife would never get his penis again, but I guess they have some sort of arrangement
Yes, an arrangement called marriage
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