1. Call me if you need ANYTHING. 2. If you get tag teamed, I want details.
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.
Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.
Shot gunning beers for breakfast. You better be ready for today.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
There is a man playing a trumpet at this brunch and I hate life. Too hungover for this. Send help ASAP.
I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping
Best thing I ever did was get a dog. She's like a living trip alarm to warn me of visitors while I'm masturbating.
At least you didn't have a hemorroid rupture while banging
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
so evidently blowing a guy does not mean he will say hi to you when he sees you in class.. in case you're ever wondering
Listen this is important.. if I die tonight you have to be the drug dealer at my funeral
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
i want to say his dick was in it but not his heart
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