What was that guy's name that you dated that wore the leotard?
I'm giving you permission to use the abortion money to pay for your DUI.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"
I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Because nothing screams stable like yelling at a guy in a bar because last time you hooked up he stole your underwear.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
I just want to return to LA when the weed and dick is plentiful.
I used the phrase "love child of quasimodo and cyclops " in a sentence today.
Sorry. We had to leave because I knocked a guy out for saying "yolo".
He drove me to my therapist appointment because I was too drunk to drive. Total keeper.
FYI there's a girl here with happy daddy written on her tits
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