My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.
All i remember as you were making ramen is that you kept slurring "i like you as a color"...
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
you just kept yelling "siddle that plaza" til the cab driver said it back...
It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.
He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.
We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
are we fucking for lunch or am I using my vibrator ?
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
Like he held up the condom afterwards, twirled it with his finger, and said "look at that load"
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize
