We're watching an ocean show on Discovery Channel and drinking every time they say "dolphins." PS. Seals kill birds. Tell all your friends.
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin
He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...
Actually, she's fat now, so...
Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.
having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.
If it snows I'm just gonna sit at my house in my costume and drink beer by myself all night.
After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.
Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.
You're wrong. It's my BIRTHDAY. We all know it's impossible to get pregnant on my diva day!
I am currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
Dude. You dropped to your knees and face planted into the rocks. And continued to talk on the phone and laugh. That's where those cuts came from.
You know my vagina and my heart have a mind of their own even when it’s pouring snow.
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
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