Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
She told me I was starting to look like a mermaid with herpes and I needed to stop it.
overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you
Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.
I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
Yes, I have your ice luge mold. I'll do a prisoner exchange for the beer bong
In the wise words of Scar: "be prepared."
Do you think Scar was a Boy Scout?
Giving you good advice and being naked are not mutually exclusive.
Should I put the money for my dealer in a Christmas card? You know, make it more frstive?
Our relationship revolved around Taylor Swift albums. It's no wonder it ended so fast
Everyone got an underage but her
How'd she get out of it?!
She hid in the FUCKING DRYER
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