xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life
It's like being the dunk pilot of a plane full of pornstars and drunkenness.
and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
RA chick in a Christmas onsie chased us up 5 flights of stairs. I need to stop violating guest policy
If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"
It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"
I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.
I can officially say I had a blunt rolled on my ass
First you say "it can't get any worse" and the next thing you know you've shat yourself on Christmas Eve.
I just closed two deals on my laptop from my bathroom while smoking a bowl, like a bawssss. Working from home is my favorite.
My Sundays are fucking awful. Can't get a blow job.....can't get a win.
Next year, please remind me not to be at a damn Super Bowl party with screaming children whose parents can't control them. I will sell the little suckers to the fucking circus passing through town.
Shout out to my liver for being the true MVP. It easily put in more work than LeBron or Curry this week.
Dude I just clenched/unclenched my hindquarters while looking in the mirror I have fucking talent
Jenna is yelling bc of the condom wrappers and cum stains. This is the 3rd and last time you have sex in my roommates bed.
Randomize
