I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
My number went up to seventeen today. I forgot to add my random hookup on a sailboat.
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
Dude apparently i ran into the middle of a half marathon last night and some how won
You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.
Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it
I just hit on a guy in a doughnut store... is that too suggestive?
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
he was wearing a widestriped red gingham suit jacket with complete sincerity im not surprised she beat the shit out of him
Do you think it's a bad sign of the outcome of the pregnancy test I'm about to take that I was eating a fudgsicle on the way into the drugstore? Would it make worse to tell you I also bought a big ass bag of Cornnuts?
To potentially get me laid, I need you to send me your favorite memes.
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