2:23 am: come sit on my lap i have a stick that'll keep you in place
i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party
She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???
He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.
Have you been tested recently?
Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune
at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
Yes, but if I hadn't gotten here early, I never would have seen the butch lesbian midget waddling down stairs from the bar. Worth every minute of drinking alone.
gladiator or hannah montana?
This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
I imagine I kinda look like a banana with one boob out.
I got hammered with my chem professor at 4:30. I'm pretty sure that can't be topped by any real sort of institution.
Please tell me I didn't try to make out with a 70 year old Romanian man last night ...
He was awesome with her today. I can't say that it didn't make my Fallopian tubes sing "The Hills Are Alive."
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