i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles
He about cried when I ordered pizza online. He said it was a miracle.
just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me
next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave
and miss being on the news....no way
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher
And maybe a life coach?
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
someday i'll meet a woman who will love me for my marvelous breasts and ignore my many character faults.
We were fucking and his phone rang and it was his grandma. He just had a conversation with his grandma while fucking me from behind. Then his dad called and asked him what he wanted from taco bell.
He was Jesus for Halloween and I definitely got on my knees and gave him praise.
I think I'm actually too depressed to do drugs, wow.
So you're not gonna be in town tonight?! Your dick was the light at the end of my academic tunnel!
My bookbag can hold 30+ beers. They shoulda put that on the tag bc its a big selling point
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