All I've ever wanted to do in life is right
Maybe you should learn how to spell write first
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Your sister thinks she pees out of her clit. Did you have Sex Ed or Sunday School growing up?
So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"
Her vagina is like Vegas. high traffic and full of glitter.
Dude, I just scraped frozen vomit from my rooftop
I really wish I could say this is a new low for you
We eventually get in a cab (after david tried to hail multiple regular cars and some sort of shuttle bus)
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
yea sometimes its awkward. but when you're a straight bartender at a gay bar and everyone knows it, they all think that they can make me turn gay. its like oh yea dude that extra $20 tip makes me want to suck some dick now
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
My uterus just tried to get me to buy a tub of cookie dough
At Target. Everyone is stocking up on food and flashlights for this storm. I stocked up on beer. Dont judge me, it was on sale...
She yelled Carpe Diem when she orgasmed. Is it too early to marry her?
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
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