I just woke up in the back of his van. Bring me a sunkist.
no more stoned jack in the box. this is the third night in a row.
No matter how drunk I am, I will take the time to wipe a pube off the toilet seat.
i really wish my pants would only unzip when im sober
Wow, being the totally hot and slutty looking 30 year old lady on the dance floor does NOT necessarily mean that she has skills in bed.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
I was eating her out when she coughed, I just swallowed a bright red blood clot
It's that thing where you don't have any food so you just drink beer to get your needed calories for the day.
Dude it's sisterhood of the traveling wine glasses here
Hun, it's always cinco de Drinko in our family. It's like Groundhog Day. Only with more booze.
I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.
The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.
I was in a competition with shots tonight...shots won.
Today I learned that I have a bigger dick than Draymond Green
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
I put the child locks on after I put you in the car and you then screamed, "I am a Phoenix, you can't restrain me. I NEED TO FLY!"
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
Randomize
