Desperate + desperate does not equal a fun night.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
The Fresno prostitute seemed offended all I wanted from her was directions back to the freeway.
I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me
I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.
Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Now I have to set an alarm for less than 6 hours from now to wake her up, get her showered and get her to her first day of tutoring a kid from her church. WTF is my life?
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
I tried to open a bottle of wine with toenail clippers last night. So this morning was obviously rough.
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
