Remember that dream I told you about where I shit out my own skeleton? I had it again last night.
sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the bathroom floor of the diner looks a lot different when you're not rolling around and puking on it.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
Dude in front of me just jumped out of line at Starbucks to go puke. Vegas in prime form.
We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer
...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text
please let it be arousing that I used numbers to figure out how well I'd give you head
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
My nerves will need dicks later so.. I'll call you
Omg she's a human wrecking ball. I love it.
I am to reach this level of casual destruction.
You know what i hate? I hate when the ppl you drunkenly made out with actually want to talk to you sober. It just doesn't work that way sir.
Is it weird that my mother is taking body shots off my gf after meeting once?
and then she asked if she could shave my junk
and howd that go?
can you pick me up from the hospital?
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