i'm surrounded by gay midgets. not sure if i'm bragging or asking you to come rescue me. wait for follow up.
if it walks like a guido and talks like a guido, i'm gonna fuck it.
I want to make a porn site called "girls with daddy issues"
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
She said she wants to move in with me. Time to black out and act as if we never had this conversation.
How are you a firefighter? People actually trust you with their lives??
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
How dare you question the sanctity of Chocolate-and-Porn day
You're the only person I know who would go to New Jersey to give a blowjob and I have so much respect for you for it
Just had a reminder come up that just said "Ham"
I may have dislocated my hip getting fucked on the bathroom counter
Dude i woke up today by a pile of fried chicken and wearing a bra
.......stop going to frat parties....
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