You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...
Why is there a case of Coors Light with my address on it?
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
Night. I'll wake u up at 6 with the unfinnished vodka bottle so be prepared young grasshoper. U have much to learn.
I don't always steal things but when i do it is a six foot five dos equis guy
They said you bought the guy a shot and was talking about being Greek and then all of the sudden just puked all in their pitcher of beer and got kicked out of the bar.
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
I don't think that calm, have their shit together people actually exist.
Steve, that episode of cops where your dealer rear-ended that family is on again.
It was one of those "how did I get to my bed and what am I wearing" mornings.
And then she said "welcome homeeeee!!!" As she got off. Best thing about being back from Afghanistan
I wish I could take a screenshot of how things literally look from my eyeballs right now
So I decided to sleep with him for the first time in months so I can convince him it's his kid instead of the other guy
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