Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
she must of just birthed a child cause her labia touched the floor
noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.
Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.
My masturbation fantasy just had a wedding theme. I need new hobbies.
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
It's been two dates and she just invited me to her aunts funeral. I can't even. Who the fuck does that? I need to drink I'm coming to get you in 5
DONT TELL ME I CANT HAVE AN ENTIRE BOTTLE OF VODKA AT DINNER. IM AN ADULT. I PAY BILLS.
We found him sitting in the back of the club crying into a strippers lap. She told us he missed his pet frog and to come back later.
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Randomize
